I will never forget the first holiday season without my maternal grandmother.
She doted on my brother and me with gifts, good food, and continual encouragement. I remember most vividly the childhood pajamas she made for us wrapped by the arthritic hands that raised me. Her home always smelled of blueberry muffins and clean laundry. She warmly greeted us as we entered her small condo just down the road from my childhood house. She was meticulously tidy, carefully precise, and always insistent upon family. The first Christmas without her left a void at our table, a knot in our throats, and a longing in our hearts.
The ”firsts” after a death or non-death loss present the greatest challenges. Grief appears after losing someone to death, divorce, or separation. Grief also applies to loss of dreams, expectations, or depth of relationships.
While many will share their niceties that “It will get better,” no one can be certain of this reality without facing it directly. Most often, holidays offer communal gatherings with tables, overflowing plates, and huddled parties. The first holiday without a loved one also presents a missing seat. Some choose to keep the seat at the table to memorialize the person, stories, and relationship represented. Others decide the seat best excluded to make room for alternative attendees while still honoring the loss. Many are uncertain and avoid the loss out of fear of overwhelm and tearfulness amidst celebration.
How you choose to grieve during the holidays is not a “one size fits all.” Rather, grief embodies itself through various restorative and debilitating ways.
Attachment-informed therapy emphasizes recognizing the relationship between the grieving person and the lost person or relationship as essential for healing. Some offer that the empty seat remaining at the table stabilizes the reality that someone is gone while equally remembering the beauty of that person’s life. Additionally, applying attachment theory to your grief may show up as creating a new ritual or habit around the holidays to honor the loss. Singing a song that reminds them of the person who is lost, reciting stories from the person’s life, and new meals or dishes connected to the person or family are all possible rituals.
Grief is not linear. Life is not either. Therefore, compassion for oneself and one’s community amidst grief can be challenging and necessary for restoration. If you notice yourself feeling more overwhelmed by grief, find solace in the grief experts' work, like David Kessler, seek out grief support groups near you, or contact me to set-up a time to navigate your grief in therapy.
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