Grief & Joy: Rethinking the Stages of Grief

TJ Klune’s novel, Under the Whispering Door, navigates a fantasy world where the main character enters a nebulous afterlife. He is confronted with grief through loss of future expectations, perceived social support, and identity. Throughout the novel, Klune navigates grief’s rarely linear progression.

Have you ever been consoled in grief only to be forced to label your emotions with one of the five stages of grief? Some find comfort and normalizing in these stages: Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance. Others feel their loss minimized by societally expected movement through timely grieving. Grief is rarely linear. Healing is rarely linear. Life is rarely linear.

While Kubler-Ross, the founder of the stages of grief, likely sought to provide language for grief. I doubt she anticipated such a rigid application. Alternatively, Stroebe and Schut studied grief work which may not be so tidy. They developed what is titled, “Dual-Process Model of Grief.”

This model allows for an oscillation between “loss-oriented” experiences to “restoration-oriented” experiences. While the concept may seem vague, the application can be quite simple. Those experiencing “loss orientation” in grief may include thinking about the loss, sitting in feelings of sadness, or grief support groups. “Restoration orientation” may incorporate creating new traditions, fostering new relationships, or integrating new familial roles. Simultaneously, someone grieving has “everyday” life amidst these experiences. Therefore, loss and restoration are no more separate than grief and joy must be. We can feel both sadness and hope. Therefore, maybe our grief is not so simply experienced through a checklist of “stages.”

Maybe the stages of grief have felt too limiting to you. Take a moment to identify where you are experiencing moments of loss and restoration in your life. Additionally, I would be honored to support you navigating your grief in therapy.